How to Grieve Myths That Hurt
May 20th, 2012 | 
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Grief is a natural response to loss, and it can unfold in many ways. Unfortunately, well-intentioned onlookers — dubbed “grief police” by grief expert Robert Neimeyer, professor of psychology at the University of Memphis — often say things that mistakenly imply to the bereaved that there’s a “right” way to grieve.
Consider these all-too-common grief myths:
Myth #1: It’s possible to cry too much.
Everyone grieves differently. There’s no single correct way to express the pain, sorrow, yearning, and other aspects of the transition of adjusting to the death of a loved one. Intense responses are sometimes seen as “losing control,” when in fact they’re simply how that person is actively (and productively) processing the loss.
Myth #2: If you don’t cry now, it’ll be worse later.
Some people never cry. Tears or outward expressions of anguish simply aren’t everyone’s grieving style, says psychologist Neimeyer. This doesn’t mean they’re grieving less intensely than a visibly shaken individual, or that they loved the person who died any less. Nor does a lack of obvious emotion mean the griever has an emotional block or problem or will face a longer, more difficult adjustment to the loss.
Myth #3: Grief is something you “get over.”
Most people never stop grieving a death; they learn to live with it. Grief is a response, not a straight line with an endpoint. Many psychologists bristle at words such as “acceptance” or “resolution” or “healed” as a final stage of grief. The real stages of grief involve tasks of processing and adjustment that one returns to all through life.
Myth #4: Time heals slowly but steadily.
Time is the commodity through which a grieving person sorts through the effects and meaning of a loss. But that process isn’t a steady fade-out, like a photograph left in the sun. Grief is a chaotic roller coaster — a mix of ups, downs, steady straight lines, and the occasional slam. Periods of intense sadness and pain can flare and fade for years or decades.
Myth #5: Grieving should end after a set amount of time.
Ignore oft-quoted rules of thumb that purport to predict how long certain types of grief should last. A downside to six-week or eight-week bereavement groups, says Sherry E. Showalter, a psychotherapist specializing in grief and the author of Healing Heartaches: Stories of Loss and Life, is that at the end of the sessions, people mistakenly expect to be “better” (or their friends expect this). “Everyone tells me the same story: ‘I failed Grief 101,’ because they still feel pain,” Showalter says. “We grieve for a lifetime, because we’re forever working to incorporate the death into our own tapestry of life.”
Learning how to grieve is ultimately part instinct, part stumbling along, part slogging along — a bit like learning how to live.
Patricia Griecci Pancreatic Cancer Foundation
PlayMore Publishing Dog Our Books
Pancreatic Cancer Patient Pens “Pampered Pooch Parties”
Pancreatic Cancer Patient Pens “Pampered Pooch Parties”
[caption id="attachment_2259" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Pampered Pooch Parties"]
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Louisville, Colo., May 07, 2012 — Cancer Patients and devoted dog owners know the joy and excitement of having a dog as their best friend and family member.
“Writing this book forced me to evaluate why I included my dog in all of my celebrations as well as my accomplishments and major milestones. They are my family and help me during my treatments” leading Patricia Griecci to publish, “Pampered Pooch Parties”.
If you party with Fido, you’re not alone. Every year, over 10 million people celebrate their dogs’ birthday, according to the American Pet Association. Some 750,000 throw parties and invite other pets.
Many more would celebrate but don’t know where to begin. After all, it’s not quite as simple as stopping by the local grocery store for a cake mix and a can of frosting.
Patricia Griecci, founder of Smiling Dog and PlayMore Publishing, knows the problem some pet guardians face. “A large number of guardians (pet owners) have told me the same thing about asking how to include their best friend in a family tradition or celebration.
The book “Pampered Pooch Parties” is printed in the USA and available in eBook form from Playmore Publishing and Amazon.com.
A portion is contributed to cancer research for humans and dogs.
For more information, contact Ms. Griecci
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Cancer Patients and devoted dog owners know the joy and excitement of having a dog as their best friend and family member.
“Writing this book forced me to evaluate why I included my dog in all of my celebrations as well as my accomplishments and major milestones. They are my family and help me during my treatments,” leading Patricia Griecci to publish, “Pampered Pooch Parties.”
If you party with Fido, you’re not alone. Every year, over 10 million people celebrate their dogs’ birthday, according to the American Pet Association. Some 750,000 throw parties and invite other pets.
Many more would celebrate but don’t know where to begin. After all, it’s not quite as simple as stopping by the local grocery store for a cake mix and a can of frosting. This book has lots of recipes, templates and pictures to help you create family traditions and lasting memories.
Patricia Griecci, founder of Smiling Dog and PlayMore Publishing, knows the problem some pet guardians face. “A large number of guardians (pet owners) have told me the same thing about asking how to include their best friend in a family tradition or celebration. This book not only contains recipes and templates it is a guide book for creating family traditions.
The book “Pampered Pooch Parties” is printed in the USA and available from Playmore Publishing.com and Amazon.com also available in ebook format. Playmore Publishing is the idea of Patricia as she wanted to name a company that had the same fun and playful spirit as her dogs.
Patricia also has “The Well Trained Pet Guardian” book that asks the question “Are you training your dog or are they training you?” A look at dog training as seen from your dogs eyes.
A portion is contributed to cancer research for humans and dogs.
Patricia is currently working on another book and looks forward to your stories and pictures. Patricia thoughts have been quoted in this article. Please feel free to, contact Ms. Griecci at PlayMore Publishing
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Stay on top of family’s history with cancer
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The great majority of cancers are sporadic, not hereditary, yet for those at high risk for breast, ovarian, colon, prostate or pancreatic cancer the High-Risk Clinic at the Arizona Cancer Center provides genetic counseling and testing.
“Assessing Your Cancer Risk Based on Family History” was the subject of the next-to-last lecture Wednesday by the center, and Dr. Joanne Jeter and Dr. Christina Laukaitis focused on myths and genetic cancer risks.
Jeter said 5 to 10 percent of breast cancers and 10 percent of ovarian cancers have a hereditary connection. But the vast majority of these types of cancers are sporadic.
Jeter suggests anyone who has a genetic susceptibility for any type of cancer see their physician to help diagnose or influence management of the patient and their family members.
If a person is genetically tested, it’s important that the person share the results with at-risk relatives.
It’s a myth that breast cancer and ovarian cancer are the only cancers with a hereditary risk. Colon and thyroid cancers and melanoma can also have a hereditary risk factor, Jeter said.
The average age to be diagnosed with sporadic breast cancer is 62, verses 41 if there is a hereditary connection.
The average age to be diagnosed with sporadic ovarian cancer is 60, verses age 40-50 if there is a hereditary connection, and the average age to be diagnosed with sporadic prostate cancer is 71, verses 63 with a hereditary factor.
In families where cancer has appeared at an earlier than average age, where a woman has bilateral breast cancer and where one family member has multiple cancers these should serve as a red flag for genetic counseling and/or testing.
“Breast cancer on the father’s side can be passed on to a daughter,” Jeter said, adding that BRCA mutation carriers have up to an 85 percent risk of breast cancer by age 70.
A woman’s risk of developing breast or ovarian cancer is greatly increased if she inherits a harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene — and genetic tests will not always give a clear answer about the cancer risk.
Reducing hereditary risks can be minimized by focusing on a lifestyle that includes exercise and a diet with many plant sources.
For women at high risk of breast cancer, prophylactic mastectomy surgery minimizes the risk by 95 percent.
Family and medical history, genetic test results, habits and symptoms factor into one’s risk for cancer, Laukaitis said, and though breast, ovarian and colon cancers tend to run in families she confirmed that the majority of cancers are sporadic.
In addition to modifying one’s lifestyle by maintaining a healthy weight, exercising regularly, eating a healthy diet with fruits and vegetables, consuming only a light amount of alcohol and eliminating smoking, Laukaitis spoke about intensive screening, chemical prevention where medications are given to reduce the risk in a healthy person.
“The goal is always early detection.”
Knowing one’s family history and getting Pap tests, mammograms, colonoscopies, PSA tests and rectal exams are recommended for early detection.
Jeter and Laukaitis agree if there is a family history a person should then get screened 10 years before the age of the youngest affected relative.
Republished by Blog Post Promoter
Dealing With the Fear of Recurrence
Dealing With the Fear of Recurrence
One of the most difficult challenges in coping with cancer is dealing with the fears of recurrence.
In the jargon of cancer, we talk of “remission,” which can be partial (cancer goes partly away) or complete (no evidence of cancer can be found). Examples of partial remission include stage IV cancers (metastatic to different regions of the body) that reduce in size, as detected by tests such as CAT, PET or bone scans; complete remission may be obtained at surgery (for early stages of breast, colon, prostate, lung, etc.) which is often followed by some type of chemotherapy or hormonal therapy to prevent a cancer relapse or recurrence.
So whether a person is living with an active cancer or has been told they are “cancer- free,” the possibility of the cancer returning or reactivating is very real.
Needless to say, every day in my oncology office, I see patient after patient dealing with the fear or apprehension of a cancer recurrence. They love me to say, “You’re cured” or, “Still clear, the scans are perfect!” They leave reassured and happy but I know their fears will creep in and heighten in the days before they are due to see me again for another checkup.
Beyond my practice, I have close friends and loved ones in my family who are cancer survivors. They confide in my their fears and I try my best to alleviate these and reassure them that things are well, that they are well and that hopefully they will continue to be well. But I can never make that guarantee, because I cannot possibly know the future and cancer can be unpredictable.
It takes work to deal with the fears of recurrence. The first step in doing so is to acknowledge the reality of the situation — not to bury it mentally and ignore it. But it is not helpful to focus on it again and again; it is important to “live for today,” as I have recently blogged about. There are many other helpful coping strategies and helpful individuals experienced in this field.
One of my most trusted resources is Wendy Harpham, MD, a physician who has personally had to deal with cancer over the past 20 years. She is a wonderful patient advocate who blogs, authors books, lectures and inspires patients and physicians on how to cope with cancer and its aftermath. I would encourage everyone to follow her blog on Healthy Survivorship. Dr. Harpham alerted her followers to a helpful video on this topic.
Finally, I would encourage all cancer patients and their loved ones to attend a support group, led by an experienced professional, such as an oncology social worker or family therapist. Rather than inciting more fear, bonding with other survivors can be a great comfort. Individual counseling should also be sought out, especially for those who have private concerns that they would not like to share with others. Most cancer centers have counselors available free of charge; there are also other organizations that have support groups and counseling, such as CancerCare or Gilda’s Club.
How to Unwind: Tips for Caregivers
By Anne-Marie Botek, AgingCare.com
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Why is it so hard for a caregiver to switch into “me” mode?
Caregivers are constantly being told that they need to find time for themselves, whether that be looking for respite care, taking their loved ones to an adult day center, or just going for a short walk to get out of the house.
But, for a person who is used to taking care of someone else, finding the time to relax is often easier than actually being able to relax.
Cindy Laverty, caregiver coach, radio talk show host, and author of Caregiving: Eldercare Made Clear and Simple, experienced this dilemma first-hand when she became the primary caregiver for her ex-husband’s father and mother. Laverty says that she was so consumed with the need to remain in control and take care of everything in her in-laws’ lives; that she neglected to take care of herself in the beginning stages of her caregiving journey. This led to a brush with extreme caregiver burnout and a resolve to re-think her approach to caregiving.
Laverty says there are certain thoughts that may prevent a caregiver from truly relaxing:
1. “I need to be in charge of everything that has to do with my loved one’s care.” Laverty says that caregivers sometimes find it difficult to let go of their caregiving mindset—even when their mind and body are screaming at them to take a break. “You can’t be in charge of everything,” Laverty says, “People take on the role of caregiver thinking that they can do everything for six months, but, in this world, that role can last for years, even decades.”
2. “I can’t stop worrying that something will go wrong if I’m not there.” Some caregivers, when offered the opportunity to take a breather, find that they can’t stop their minds from running through dozens of “What if…?” scenarios. What if my mother falls and the respite caregiver can’t pick her up? What if my father has another stroke while I’m gone? These kinds of thoughts can make a caregiver incapable of relaxing, even when they’re away from the person they’re caring for.
3. “I shouldn’t be enjoying myself while my loved one needs care.” Laverty admits that when she first started out taking care of her elderly relatives, she put herself in the position of being “on call” all of the time, despite the fact that she had access to additional caregivers who were able to help. Guilt can make a caregiver feel as though they’re being selfish by taking some time for themselves. A guilt-ridden caregiver who does decide to take some time away may find themselves so consumed by regret that it’s impossible to relax.
It’s normal for caregivers to experience these thought patterns at certain times.
1. Make the decision that your life matters. Because they are so consumed by caring for their loved ones, caregivers are notoriously poor when it comes to taking care of themselves. According to Laverty, the only way to get rid of the obsessive, “on call,” mentality is to decide that you matter just as much as your loved one does. It won’t be easy, but deciding that you, the caregiver, deserve to have peace, tranquility, and calm, is the first step towards being able to make the most of your time away from your loved one. “No one is going to do caregiving the way the primary caregiver does, and that’s ok, as long as the person is being cared for,” Laverty says.
2. Ask for help, more than once. A common caregiver lament is that they can’t find anyone to help them. When caregivers tell Laverty that their family/friends refuse to help, she replies, “When was the last time you asked?” It’s true that people may not be able to shoulder a significant portion of the caregiving burden, but Laverty says that an important part of asking for help is accepting how your friends and family show up. For example, your sister may not be able to help you with the day-to-day care of your mother, but she might be able to cook a week’s worth of meals for you—this is how she is showing up to help you and your mother. If you demonstrate your appreciation for the assistance that others give, no matter how seemingly insignificant, it might make them more likely to seek other ways to help you in the future.
3. Decide to really be “gone.” Being “gone” means that, barring an emergency, you completely remove yourself from the situation of being at your loved one’s beck and call. Making the decision to relax and truly be gone may be even more difficult for a caregiver than agreeing that you matter as much as your loved one does. Laverty attributes the trickiness of this endeavor to the fact that a caregiver’s mind is constantly in “fix-it” mode. When you’re taking care of an elderly loved one, it can be hard to accept that you often can’t “fix” what’s causing them pain. What you can do is help make them happier, healthier, and more comfortable. “When you stop trying to fix everything, it gets so much easier to relax,” says Laverty.
4. When you have the time, do something you enjoy. The key to successful relaxation, according to Laverty, is doing things that bring joy back into your life. This will mean different things for different people. For some it might be taking a hike with a good friend. For others, it could be getting a manicure, or a massage. “When you’re engaging in joyful activities for yourself, it’s hard to stay stuck in the ‘What if’s,’” Laverty says.
Learning how to let go and unwind will likely be a difficult process for most caregivers.
Laverty cautions caregivers that being alone with your thoughts may not be a pleasant experience, at first. Ugly, scary emotions are likely to surface, but they have to in order to find peace. She suggests therapy, journaling, and meditation as a few ways to help a caregiver cope with these difficult feelings.
Ultimately, true relaxation is about discovering how to connect with (and love), yourself—warts and all. “Caregivers need to learn how to be easier on themselves. You don’t have to be perfect,” Laverty says.
If you find that your caregiver guilt is provoked by this notion, Laverty recommends quelling it by asking yourself this question:
Why are you more into caregiving than you are into having joy, peace, and serenity?
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